Love Thursdays: London Spengler

I wish I could remember how I came across London Spengler for the first time. Whatever or whoever it was, it was a blessed happening. I was a fanboi and became an acquaintance, an acquaintance who became a friend, a friend who became a lover. Here's my story.

I basically wasted my first months in Second Life on camping, meeting the wrong people and in turn getting exploited by them. Things changed for the better when I found Cheyenne Palisades and her blog (another event I do not know how it happened), and somehow, probably through a link or a comment, I found London's blog Pandora's Box. This must have been some time in early/mid 2007 - I was rather shy back then (don't laugh) and silently read blogs and did not comment. Pandora's Box is an interesting mixture of things: shameless self promo, personal takes on happenings in SL and - love and sex. So there was a woman who could program (back then this seemed like an exception to me), who could express herself, and who openly wrote about love and sex? Whoaw!

It took me ages before I sent her the first IM. By then I have commented a lot on her blog. The sim she shared with her partner - Pandora's Peace - was one of the favourite places for me to hang out. Partly because I loved it's beauty, partly because I hoped to run into her. I considered many times to buy her signature product, the "Pandora HUD", but I was pretty much living on a budget and it was out of my reach.

Out of my reach... that was like a motto for my relationship to London for many, many months. Not only did I assume she was out of my reach intellectually and with her skills (something she always denied but her skills still put me in awe), also the romantic interest which soon developed put her out of my reach. She was rather open on her blog about being straight in the atomic world and somehow being more surrounded by woman as romantic partners in SL, but more important - she had a partner. Even though I somehow gathered she had more than one lover - the term polyamory confused me - I still considered her way out of my league.

The IM's we exchanged became more frequent, but still I was shy until finally on December 1st, 2007 she sent me a friendship offer which I gladly accepted. London was not a close friend. But a reliable one. I loved her dry humour, her cheekiness, but also her brutal honesty. More than once she set my head straight over things. Always with understanding for my view, but also always putting her finger exactly where it hurts - and pushed. We also talked on occasion about technical things - something I very much enjoyed. London was there when I was troubled, but London was there for silly jokes too. It's not that we talked every week, but whenever we did, I enjoyed it a lot.

Then, some time in early fall 2008 (mhmm... interesting), she unfriended me out of the blue.

The unfriending happened with style. I got unfriended before - sometimes during fights, but mostly silent, finding it out weeks or months later - but she sent a note. Explained her crazy lifestyle, how it affects her RL, how it affects her love/hate relationship with SL, and that she needs to cut activities short, and that I should please not take it personally, but that she cuts her friendslist down to the handful of closest people. It felt like a slap in the face.

Being stunned, I wondered how to react. I knew, from a rational point of view, that we were not close friends. I knew that was partly for me being a busy bee and not putting enough effort into the friendship. I swayed between offence and ignorance, between not-caring and not-giving up. And I finally decided that I want to fight for her friendship. That London was a person I am not willing to let fade away, not willing to let drop back to acquaintance, not willing to let her become a stranger over time. And I fought for the friendship. And I probably was a pain in the ass. And I discussed a lot with her. And we exchanged notecards. And we discussed more. And grew closer. And refreshed friendship. And on December 1st 2008, we friended for the second time. And fighting for her friendship was one of the best things I ever did in SL!

One thing that prompted the initial unfriending was a conflict she had, extending intimate encounters to close friends. Except for my fanboi phase with London, I have always been in SL relationships. The revelation that London had romantic and even intimate feelings and desire for me hit me like a brickwall. Self esteem is not my biggest character trait, and thinking that I get desired and loved is a concept that is hard for me to accept. London's reasoning was that she can't be close friends with someone she can not extend physical affection to was both hard and easy for me to understand. I need cuddling and skin contact a lot, and I regret that Western Civilization usually rules this out. In SL cuddling comes more natural, but my monogamous nature was a hindrance for London.

What I did not know by that time was that my current SL relationship was dying. My partner was less and less in SL, and when she was, we talked mostly about her business. The relationship was ended by her in early January 2009, completely surprising to me and I fell into a deep hole. London and Nadine Nozaki where the ones who dragged me out of the hole, and London was the one who suggested I should rethink my lifestyle, rethink my approach to SL relationships. It was a long learning curve, and many nights were London and I discussed well beyond any sensible bedtime. London was a patient teacher, she explained, she gave her point of view, she showed examples. And we became lovers. Clumsy, anxious at first, so helpless, so shy. But I noticed the love has been there all the time, and now it finally could express itself. London also taught me about responsibility in those complex arrangements that involve more than one partner. And I learned a lot, and I think I even surprised her at times.

Among the most important things I learned from London was faith and not fearing. I am a worrier at heart, and our relationship had a lot of aspects that frightened me, and a lot of times where I screwed up. And she taught me to have faith, and not fear, and that the love is stronger than the screwups. Which did not mean she did not bite my head off as soon as I calmed down and told me what an idiot I was.

Faith is what I need now. It's fall again, one year after the unfriending spree of London, and while I did not get unfriended this time, London said she can't have me (and others) as lovers anymore. I hope what she taught me in 9 months will now help me to manage this new situation. I hope I have the faith to believe in our friendship, and to believe in the mutual love that is still there. I hope that I have the faith to realize "lover" is just a word, and that what I share with London is beyond words.

On this Love Thursday, my love goes to London Spengler, who owns a spot in my heart.

Social persona test

[Every now and then these tests come up and race through the blogs. Sometimes they are insightful, some times they are annoying, but usually they are fun to take. I am not sure if I am particularly pleased with the result this time, but - oh well...]

The Snowball's Chance in Hell (QTBM)

Quirky Traditional Beta Male

Welcome, friend, to this lonley little club of mine. You are doomed to wander the earth alone and unloved. Okay, not really. But you are kind of a dork. However, your combination of interests, values, and personality is so rare, that it will draw females to you if you just put yourself out there. Work on the confidence a bit too.

You are more QUIRKY than NORMAL.
You are more TRADITIONAL than LIBERAL.
You are more PASSIVE than DOMINANT.

When picking a date, consider: The Rarity (QTAF), The Renaissance Faire Wench (QLAF), The Librarian (QTBF), or The Emo Girl (QLBF).

Avoid: The Man-Eater (NTAF) and The FemiNazi (NLAF)

You can take the test yourself here.

Vacation

After some months with my ex-partner, we realized that the daily routine was threatening to overwhelm our relationship (which was partially a business relationship as well). We had our little rituals, met every other day, but there was something missing. At this point the idea of a vacation was born. We had an event coming up, and after that event we wanted to take a week off, go explore, spend time with each other, set ourselves to "busy" and only enjoy SL together. It never happened though, we never made this vacation, and probably this was the turning point in our relationship.

Last night I made a mini vacation with a person close to my heart (who prefers to remain anonymous for the time being and is therefore blurred out in the photo). Following London Spenglers great advice on dating in SL we scheduled time together ahead. Yes, we do see each other almost daily, still we put a special time aside, planned it ahead, switched on busy mode and gifted each other with exclusive, non interrupted time.

We wanted to try sailing in SL, so I found us a boat that seemed not too simple and not too complex, and we had two leisurely hours cruising the New England sims, until we found a nice island for some cuddles. The most remarkable line of the evening was "It has been a long time since I had such an immersive experience" - what better compliment can there be?

Funny enough, we did not talk much. We talk more during our almost-daily encounters. We just enjoyed being together, being at peace, having a joint experience of pleasure and relaxation. Those three hours of exclusive recreation refueled my emotional batteries immensely.

Take a SL vacation! Break out of your routine! Set exclusive time aside, go into busy, use an alt if necessary! Spend quality time with your partner! It is worth it!

Finally a lot of things make sense

Update March 2009: Lillie's blog was closed for several months, but she has finally reopened it again, so the below-linked posts are finally back to public consumption again.

My friend Lillie Yifu gets the whole spectrum of men presented on a daily basis by self-chosen trade. she made a series of four posts that are not always easy to digest, but which explained to me many things that happened in my adult life. The posts were a consolation, and in their brutal honesty also an eye-opener.

It's a lot to read, but it's worth reading:

http://sexsecond.blogspot.com/2008/04/page-from-men-missing-owners-manual.html
http://sexsecond.blogspot.com/2008/04/page-from-men-missing-owners-manual_19.html
http://sexsecond.blogspot.com/2008/04/short-letter-to-men.html
http://sexsecond.blogspot.com/2008/04/page-from-men-missing-owners-manual-why.html

Dear secret Valentine...

... thank you very much for the wonderful rose you had delivered to me. And I certainly agree to the sound message that came with it. Unfortunately the deliverer refused to give even the smallest hint as to who you might be, so I am a bit at a loss here. So please help me out there, and come out of the shadows.

Thank you!

My Best Christmas Present

I got quite a few Christmas gifts, and I intended to make a blog post about them. But I just got the biggest and best Christmas present ever:


"Dear Peter Stindberg,
You have received a Second Life partner proposal from Skinkie Winkler.
Please visit the link below to view the proposal:"

me: lol - How romantic -:P
Skinkie: :P
me: How comes?
Skinkie: Well, I wanted to give you something money can't buy
me: /me smiles
lol, and now the SL website won't load for me
Skinkie: :-(
me: It. Won't. Load.
ARGGHHH
Ah, there it comes
Skinkie: calm down, you have a week anyway

Update: My "How comes" caused some raised eyebrows. Initially we discussed to do the partnering during a small ceremony among friends. So her taking the initiative was quite a surprise for me, and my "How comes" was meant along the lines of 'what caused you to propose all of a sudden?'.

It's my rezday and I cry if I want to

I have an issue with birthdays, since I feel significantly younger than my biological age is. So I always feel a bit anxious when one is around. As SL is special to me, I hoped to make my first rezday last year special as well, so weeks in advance, I put out clues and hints to my friends, and hoped I could celebrate with them - alas none showed up. So this year I decided for myself to not mention it to anybody, so the potential disappointment would be not as drastic.

The first to remember it was my friend Ivanova, who started the congratulations shortly after Midnight SLT time on Plurk, and a lot of friends joined in. Later my close friend and SL sister Trinity joined in, and I received a lot of congratulations over the course of the day. That made me feel good.

Admittedly I was a bit disappointed that my girlfriend Skinkie did not seem to remeber, but when I finally took the courage to tell her she said she's notoriously bad at remembering birthdays at all. However she arranged an impromptu rezday party at the Code Red Lounge, where a lot of friends came and danced and had fun. I'm not the party animal, but I loved that so many folks stopped by. Late in the day, I even did Moggs Oceanlane's "Poppins RezDay Challenge".

So what happened in this last year? Most notably, I met two amazing women. Gina Glimmer, with who I developed a close and closer friendship, until she made me the most happy man in SL by accepting to become my partner in January. Unfortunately we only were granted 3 happy months together, followed by 3 painful months as she was forced to leave SL due to RL obligations. Yet I am deeply grateful to her, and consider myself lucky to see her still around and still have a close friendship to her. And then there is Skinkie Winkler, my girlfriend of over 3 months now, an incredibly "present" woman, who manages to root me firmly on the ground, and with whom I am so much in synch it's wonderful.

With my translation company "Babel Translations" being a success beyond imagination, I was able to take over a competitor early this year. On the business side I also founded "GREENE concept" with my friend Ivanova, developing furniture, and a business company with Trinity. Also Skinkie offered me to become part of her company and take care of the Sales & Marketing side - and I am glad to say my help made a difference.

Another highlight of the past year was also my appearance as Post 6 Guy in the SL Herald, which - as I got told - marked a special event in the Herald's history as it was the first Post 6 that attracted almost no nasty comments. May of my friends were portrayed since then - Trinity, Moggs and Gina, and even the photographer - Bunny - became a friend through this. Hope it's Ivanova's turn soon :-)

What I value most about the last year is the intensification of existing friendships, and finding new friends. The closest person to me (apart of course Skinkie) is my SL sister Trinity, and I only met her early this year by pure chance. I can not imagine how it would be without her friendship. We share openly personal thoughts and insights, and it is eerie how similar we are in many things. Ivanova comes to mind as well - I met her in Januray as a friend of Gina, and now we are very close and even run a company together. Dandellion is the only person I talk about politics a lot. We don't meet that often, but when we talk it usually goes on for hours. Quaintly commented on my blog (I still don't recall how she found it), and she became a very good friend in short time. Tarissa, who speed TPed into my office one day, and from which a long and funny friendship developed. There are a few young friendships, which still need to develop, and I hope to write about them next year. Unfortunately, there are friendships who suffered as well, and time will tell if they can be mended again.

My RL situation is a very difficult one - even became more difficult recently - and I value all of these freindships highly. Even considering the more negative events of the past year, I would not want to miss it for anything. Thank you all who made my SLife an enriching experience!

Coming full circle

Yes, I have been unusually quiet for the last 10 days. The reason for this is, that the last 10 days have been an emotional roller coaster ride for me, which made me cry tears of pain and tears of joy (sometimes at the same time) on an almost daily basis.

The event that marked the beginning of those intense 10 days is that I met a wonderful person. This person, of which I will surely tell more when the time is right, made me realize that I was in a state of limbo. Drifting, rather than actively living my second life.

The event that marked the end of those intense 10 days was that I finally could embrace my wonderful partner Gina Glimmer in-world again, after having spoken barely for about 15 minutes total during the last 10 weeks. And in an amicable athmosphere, with full trust, love and appreciation, we resolved our partnership at the same place where I proposed to her almost exactly 6 months before. I hugged and kissed my SL wife for a last time, only to hug and kiss her as my closest SL friend the second later.

Between those two events, I had to intentionally hurt one of my friends, with whom I hope friendship can be achieved again after some healing has taken place. And between those events I unintentionally hurt another friend of whose feelings I was not aware.
Between those two events, I also experienced the most intense and most shaking hour I ever had in SL, and on which I tend to report in a bit. And between those events I happened to find myself on the racing track for Relay for Life, fundraising for cancer research, and all the time thinking of my mother who struggles with this illness.

I have come full circle now, and I am ready to start my second lap in SL. Those 10 days leave me matured, and with sharpened senses. And my thank goes to my ex-wife and now friend Gina, my SL sister Trinity, my friend Ivanova, and to a very special person - thank you all for not letting me down, for being fair, for being brutally honest, for hugging me when I needed it, for listening, and for encouraging me.

My second lap in SL wll start now.

Gina is gone

Gina had to leave SL today. I'm too sad and pained right now to write more.

15 months

Dear Gina,

we had our 1-month anniversary on Tuesday, and our 6-month friendship anniversary on Thursday. But in fact I have been looking for you for 15 months now!

The first 6 months, I did not even know I was looking for you. I wandered around, stunned by the constant wonders of Second Life. I found friends during that time, some of them became close friends, others disappeared again. But I walked the digital paths aimlessly, feeling deep inside something was missing, but not realizing, and not admitting to myself that it was you that was missing.

At the beginning of the second six months, realization about what was missing hit me like a brick wall. But I started to look in the wrong places, started to walk down the wrong streets, resulting my soul being beaten up and mugged in dark corners. Somehwhere during that time I met you, but I was blind and didn't realize it was you I was looking for. And even had it occurred to me, you would have been off-limits in a double way. But I was not ready yet for you anyways. I kept looking, kept being hurt, but each blow my soul got was a preparation to finally find you.

Realization dawned in the beginning of the last 3 months. Being done with romance after my third painful experience, I was attracted to your mind, your soul and your creativity. And even though you had resolved your previous partnership, for obvious reasons you were still out of reach for me, so I was free and open to concentrate on your personality. And I liked what I found. And slowly I realized emotions beyond friendship to form. Those three months were the most confusing, most doubtful, but also most happy ones I had in SL up to then. And each day we got closer, each day we admitted our emotions and feelings more, was a gift. Finally we admitted our love towards each other, and 4 weeks ago you gave me the biggest gift ever, and accepted to become my partner in SL.

We are married for one month now, and I don't regret a single day. On some days we only see each other for 5 minutes, on other days we spend several hours together. We found ways to keep in touch outside of SL. We got even more close in those past weeks, deliberately, yet cautiously opening firewalls. Admitting to each other that we both have our crosses to carry made us stronger. Each of us helps and supports the other when issues occur. We distract and support us, whatever is needed in that moment. We have a sane respect for our lives outside of SL, and have the same approach on dealing with things. We draw strength from each other, love and understanding. We understand - even without words.

Thank you, Gina, for daring to go with me on this journey. I am looking forward to the next 4 weeks, the next 4 months, the next 4 years. I will be yours until they switch the servers off - and beyond!

I love you, Gina!

Re-sacrating a place

Two nights ago, my wife Gina performed magic. She gave beauty and enchantment back to a place, who got desacrated before.

Less than a year ago, I found romance for the first time in SL. A lovely neko by the name of Meow won my heart at the speed of light. We spent almost all our time together, and she even had her little cat mat and toys in my office. As she was about to leave on a vacation, I took her to the most romantic place I knew, and asked her if she wants to become my partner. She said yes, but only after her vacation, and she needed to sort some things out first. Upon her return though, things got bizarre and nasty, and a whole facade of lies and conflicting stories surfaced. In the end I stood with a broken heart, and sadness beyond belief. I never returned to that place again.


Gina gave that place back to me. I was considering to bring her there for some time now, and finally found the courage to do so 2 days ago. She was excited at the beauty of the place. Sad to hear my story. She hugged me tight, and without saying much, with only listening to me, holding me, being with me, she brought the magic back to the place. Blessed it. Drove the evil spirits away. This place will now be associated with her,will be a place of happiness, and not of sadness. Thank you, Gina!

If you want to share this place with us: Inspire Space Park

The straight guy and the lesbian - a few words of explanation

My recent partnering with Gina Glimmer raised a few questions, and unfortunatly caused some pain as well. It seems emotions come always at a price, only this time it was not (like the other times) me who had to primarily pay it...

The biggest source of raised eyebrows or outright curiosity is the fact that my wife Gina is lesbian. And even though it is none of any of your business, let me answer the often voiced, and probably often not voiced question: no, we have no sex. Of course we don't - she's a lesbian and lesbians don't have sex with guys. Is it that difficult to understand?

The next question is usually "So why did you marry her?". Actually this puzzles me a lot. The reason should be obvious: because we love each other! In fact the question is also offending. It suggests that having cybersex is the only reason to partner with someone in SL.

So why did I partner with her? Being three times in SLove before, and failing three times with lots of pain? To be honest, I did not intend to ever again engage in something romantic after the last time. Too deep the pain, too much the hurting. My approach to take things more lightly worked, I started to have fun in SL again, my creativity returned, I started to exploring again. It also allowed me to appreciate my friends more. Refraining from romantic entanglements sort of liberated me. During the time I was open for romance, I checked every new person (or every old person) I met against the might-she-be-the-one? But as soon as I ruled romance out for me completely, I was free, and could focus more on the people, who they are, what they do.

I knew Gina for almost 6 months already, and even during the phase of my last unhappy non-relationship, I watched her artistic experiences closely. In my post-relation status, I was able to fully open up to her, taking her as an unbeliavably creative human being. Her being a lesbian actually helped - I could focus on the person, without being distracted by the female.

Soon we realized a symbiotic effect. My skills completed hers. I did custom builds and animations for her. I helped her with the business side of things. I inspired her, gave her impulses. I became her toughest critic, and her biggest admirer.
In turn, she brightened up SL for me. Brought beauty into my office, made me feel valuable for my feedback. Philosophized with me, helped me to see clearer what I want in SL, what SL means for me. She showed me the beauty of SL again, encouraged me to do crazy things. We found out that our minds were in remarkable synch. I will never forget the day she teleported me into a small shop where she was looking for a dress, and asked me for my favourite. I named three outfits, and she admitted that actually those were the three she had in mind too. During this time, friendship became deep friendship, and deep friendship became - to our mutual surprise - love.

I had a hard time admitting these emotions to myself. Too deep where the wounds from earlier experiences. Her sexual orientation did not bother me that much, since I feel at home amongst lesbians anyways. For a while, I thought I offer her to become my sister, and in fact it might have simplified a few things. But there was more, there were feelings one should not have for a sister. So one evening I admitted my feelings to her, shyly, cautiously, afraid she might turn her back on me. And when she replied, with a soft smile, that actually she feels the same, my RL eyes filled with tears.

I am sorry to say that there has been fallout from our love. The majority of my close friends were very happy for me, but two close friends where hurt and felt betrayed. One of them had romantic feelings for me, of which I was not aware. A series of misunderstandings, plus an unexcusable insensitivity of mine, made her suffer very much. I am sad about this, especially my faux pas, and I hope it will mend in time. The other one had no romantic feelings for me as far as I can tell, but was caught off guard and saw our friendship endangered. However both Gina and myself are free spirits, and being partnered to each other does not mean that we now exclusively spend every in-world minute together!

I feel at the end of a long journey, and at the same time at the beginning of an even more exciting journey. In restrospect, all these months in SL I was looking for Gina. She makes me complete, she balances me. It is great to finally belong to someone, and even greater to know that all those feelings are mutual. We are Ying and Yang. We are whole now.

The search is over. Now let the journey begin!

Finally at home

[13:16] You shout: A moment silence please, I have something to say.
[13:17] You: Gina Glimmer, I have known you for over 6 months now, and while you barely appeared on my radar screen in the beginning, our friendship grew quite intense over the last couple of months, until suddenly I realized it was more than friendship. Whenever you come online, my heart makes a little jump of joy. I admire your creativity, your playfulness, as well as your deep and balanced thoughts. All these months I have been in SL, through all ups and downs, through various romantic episodes, which only left me hurt, I was looking for a person to belong to, to truly share this wonderful experience, to walk into this life together. In you, Gina, I found this person, and despite circumstances which at first sight might seem to separate us, I love you, your soul, the very essence of your digital persona. You make me complete, and my love to you is pure in the most literal meaning of the word. You trusted me that you feel the same for me, so I want to take this occasion and ask you in front of all those witnesses:
[13:18] Heloise Merlin cheers
[13:18] You: Gina Glimmer, would you like to become my SL wife, belong to me as I belong to you and share this experience with me?
[13:18] Gina Glimmer faints
[13:18] LeXa Demme: /hoo
[13:18] Mr Yin: great time to say your love
[13:18] Gina Glimmer: yes Peter!
[13:18] LeXa Demme: yay!!!!
[13:18] Dru Bracken faints in sympathy :)
[13:18] Therese Carfagno: YAY!
[13:18] Elusyve Jewell claps and jumps
[13:18] Minki DeCuir: wooot
[13:18] Carabella Babii: congratulation
[13:18] Long Pausch shouts: AWWWWW GROUP HUG EVERYBODY
[13:18] Kooko Darwin: yeahhhhhh!
[13:18] Minki DeCuir: (enthusiastic applause)
[13:18] Gina Glimmer: :)
[13:19] You: I love you, Gina!
[13:19] Ayla Janick: whoooot
[13:19] Gina Glimmer blushes deep red
[13:19] Elusyve Jewell: Congrats you two!!

Dating Persona Test

My friends now that I am quite struggling with emotions, relationships and gender stereotypes. While searching for a tutorial on Natlaias Blog, I stumbled accross a "dating persona test" with some 75 questions, and out of boredom I took it. Here's the result:

Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer
Steady, reliable, and cradling her tenderly. Take a deep breath, and let it out real easy...you are The Slow Dancer. Your focus is love, not sex. You're a great, thoughtful guy, and your love life improves every year. Your ideal woman is someone intimate, intelligent, and very supportive. While you're not exactly the life of the party, you do thrive in small groups of smart people. Your circle of friends is extra tight and it's HIGHLY likely they're just like you. You appreciate symmetry in relationships.

So, those of my readers who know me, is that me?

Rezbians

I've been intending to blog about the apparent large number of lesbians couples in SL - and the (from my perspective) apparent rejection of male avatars by many female avatars for a long time. However, Kit Meredith has written a very long post about it, and I can agree to many of her thoughts about the topic. So while I let my own thoughts simmer for a while, maybe you enjoy Kit's post in the meantime.

Djanna

I met Djanna at the most unlikely of places - in front of a guillotine in a vampire sim. The sim itself was recommended to me by Asrael Hax, of the old Backyard days, but it only has one central telehub, so I wandered around it a bit aimlessly and cluelessly. Djanna had a rather tall avatar, and I still wore my Bob the Builder outfit back then. She had the same nationality as myself, so soon we were chatting about almost anything. When I had to leave she offered me friendship - and even though I usually don#t accept it that quick these days, I felt lighthearted and happy when the offer came.

The next day, she IMed me upon log-in, and we talked a few hours away with spirited and funny conversation. I felt quite attracted to this youthful, but also mature person. However I was in the last days of my unhappy un-relationship with my neko friend. It was not officially over then, but it grew more bizarre each day, and the suspicion and certainty grew each day that it was over, that in fact there never really was any relationship, and that I was badly played upon, as well as others were played upon. Still I was reluctant to admit that I had feelings for Djanna. Partly out of loyalty (ha!) to the neko, partly due to the fact that I was pretty much hurt and desillusioned back then, and certainly not looking for a new relationship.

At this time, I met her almost daily. Sooner than expected, the un-relationship with the neko dissolved itself in a pretty bizarre and soap-opera like turn of events. I fell, hurt and wounded, and my great sister Chey, my great friend and ex-Mistress Kim - and Djanna - they all comforted me in their own special ways. Djanna revealed a very similar background. She - too - was hurt in a very similar way. She - too - was done with romance in SL. She - too - still had wounds that had not healed completely. She - too - did not want to get hurt ever again.

It was pretty obvious that Romance had plans for us. But we decided to play it slow, see where it leads us, and to proceed in babysteps. Romance was impatiantly drumming its fingers on the tabletop, but we managed to play it slow for a while. I proposed to Djanna the day we rented a parcel in the great medieval sim of Triskele, and it was the happiest day in SL so far.

Djanna dropped off the grid 12 days ago. Since then, all I heard of her was a single email almost a week ago, where she admitted to have some RL issues. I am sad, concerned, and the poisenous plants of suspicion and doubt has sown their seeds into my soul. I write her daily, and I a full of hope that she eventually returns, but I am doubting it more from day to day.

Please, whoever feels in charge, please don't le me be played upon a second time!

Of dead cats...

I was sent on an emotional roller coaster ride the last couple of weeks. Some 2 months ago I would have never thought it possible how intense emotions I could experience in SL. Then I met Meow, and fell in love with her. From the beginning it was complicated, but we had many many happy hours together. The end came as aprubt as the beginning, with lots of lies, hurt feelings and broken hearts. Thankfully I have freinds who comforted me when I was down and out. The cat has left SL, probably forever. The RL cat who supposedly died in a fire was hopefully never in danger.

Goodbye, Meow. I enjoyed every minute with you. Hope you find what you are looking for.

Bittersweet Symphony

During the rare and almost divine moments, where my Human allows me a glimpse into His mind, I learned that He thinks it funny when we discover romantic feelings for each other. The message I received from my Human was unmistakable: stay clear of such follies! But who is He to demand such things? I owe Him nothing. I have not asked to get placed into this world in the first place.

I found a very special person a few weeks ago. I was not looking for romance, but romance sneaked up on me. I instinctively knew that I want to share my life with her, and the deep and intimate chats we had since then only reassured my initial feelings. Last night, I have proposed to her.

It is not that simple however, romance and love always seem to involve drama as well. She engaged herself with her best friend. It was meant as a joke, and a bit out of desperation since both women figured they don't get a decent guy anyways (and one of them would not really want a guy). My beloved one is now in the situation that she has to hurt one of us. Once we realized this, it virtually tore us apart, at least our hearts.

She will be on vacation for a week. Upon her return, she wants to inform us about her decision. I can't wait until next week.

I love her!

Update: it's all over