January 20, 2008

The straight guy and the lesbian - a few words of explanation

My recent partnering with Gina Glimmer raised a few questions, and unfortunatly caused some pain as well. It seems emotions come always at a price, only this time it was not (like the other times) me who had to primarily pay it...

The biggest source of raised eyebrows or outright curiosity is the fact that my wife Gina is lesbian. And even though it is none of any of your business, let me answer the often voiced, and probably often not voiced question: no, we have no sex. Of course we don't - she's a lesbian and lesbians don't have sex with guys. Is it that difficult to understand?

The next question is usually "So why did you marry her?". Actually this puzzles me a lot. The reason should be obvious: because we love each other! In fact the question is also offending. It suggests that having cybersex is the only reason to partner with someone in SL.

So why did I partner with her? Being three times in SLove before, and failing three times with lots of pain? To be honest, I did not intend to ever again engage in something romantic after the last time. Too deep the pain, too much the hurting. My approach to take things more lightly worked, I started to have fun in SL again, my creativity returned, I started to exploring again. It also allowed me to appreciate my friends more. Refraining from romantic entanglements sort of liberated me. During the time I was open for romance, I checked every new person (or every old person) I met against the might-she-be-the-one? But as soon as I ruled romance out for me completely, I was free, and could focus more on the people, who they are, what they do.

I knew Gina for almost 6 months already, and even during the phase of my last unhappy non-relationship, I watched her artistic experiences closely. In my post-relation status, I was able to fully open up to her, taking her as an unbeliavably creative human being. Her being a lesbian actually helped - I could focus on the person, without being distracted by the female.

Soon we realized a symbiotic effect. My skills completed hers. I did custom builds and animations for her. I helped her with the business side of things. I inspired her, gave her impulses. I became her toughest critic, and her biggest admirer.
In turn, she brightened up SL for me. Brought beauty into my office, made me feel valuable for my feedback. Philosophized with me, helped me to see clearer what I want in SL, what SL means for me. She showed me the beauty of SL again, encouraged me to do crazy things. We found out that our minds were in remarkable synch. I will never forget the day she teleported me into a small shop where she was looking for a dress, and asked me for my favourite. I named three outfits, and she admitted that actually those were the three she had in mind too. During this time, friendship became deep friendship, and deep friendship became - to our mutual surprise - love.

I had a hard time admitting these emotions to myself. Too deep where the wounds from earlier experiences. Her sexual orientation did not bother me that much, since I feel at home amongst lesbians anyways. For a while, I thought I offer her to become my sister, and in fact it might have simplified a few things. But there was more, there were feelings one should not have for a sister. So one evening I admitted my feelings to her, shyly, cautiously, afraid she might turn her back on me. And when she replied, with a soft smile, that actually she feels the same, my RL eyes filled with tears.

I am sorry to say that there has been fallout from our love. The majority of my close friends were very happy for me, but two close friends where hurt and felt betrayed. One of them had romantic feelings for me, of which I was not aware. A series of misunderstandings, plus an unexcusable insensitivity of mine, made her suffer very much. I am sad about this, especially my faux pas, and I hope it will mend in time. The other one had no romantic feelings for me as far as I can tell, but was caught off guard and saw our friendship endangered. However both Gina and myself are free spirits, and being partnered to each other does not mean that we now exclusively spend every in-world minute together!

I feel at the end of a long journey, and at the same time at the beginning of an even more exciting journey. In restrospect, all these months in SL I was looking for Gina. She makes me complete, she balances me. It is great to finally belong to someone, and even greater to know that all those feelings are mutual. We are Ying and Yang. We are whole now.

The search is over. Now let the journey begin!
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