January 20, 2008

The straight guy and the lesbian - a few words of explanation

My recent partnering with Gina Glimmer raised a few questions, and unfortunatly caused some pain as well. It seems emotions come always at a price, only this time it was not (like the other times) me who had to primarily pay it...

The biggest source of raised eyebrows or outright curiosity is the fact that my wife Gina is lesbian. And even though it is none of any of your business, let me answer the often voiced, and probably often not voiced question: no, we have no sex. Of course we don't - she's a lesbian and lesbians don't have sex with guys. Is it that difficult to understand?

The next question is usually "So why did you marry her?". Actually this puzzles me a lot. The reason should be obvious: because we love each other! In fact the question is also offending. It suggests that having cybersex is the only reason to partner with someone in SL.

So why did I partner with her? Being three times in SLove before, and failing three times with lots of pain? To be honest, I did not intend to ever again engage in something romantic after the last time. Too deep the pain, too much the hurting. My approach to take things more lightly worked, I started to have fun in SL again, my creativity returned, I started to exploring again. It also allowed me to appreciate my friends more. Refraining from romantic entanglements sort of liberated me. During the time I was open for romance, I checked every new person (or every old person) I met against the might-she-be-the-one? But as soon as I ruled romance out for me completely, I was free, and could focus more on the people, who they are, what they do.

I knew Gina for almost 6 months already, and even during the phase of my last unhappy non-relationship, I watched her artistic experiences closely. In my post-relation status, I was able to fully open up to her, taking her as an unbeliavably creative human being. Her being a lesbian actually helped - I could focus on the person, without being distracted by the female.

Soon we realized a symbiotic effect. My skills completed hers. I did custom builds and animations for her. I helped her with the business side of things. I inspired her, gave her impulses. I became her toughest critic, and her biggest admirer.
In turn, she brightened up SL for me. Brought beauty into my office, made me feel valuable for my feedback. Philosophized with me, helped me to see clearer what I want in SL, what SL means for me. She showed me the beauty of SL again, encouraged me to do crazy things. We found out that our minds were in remarkable synch. I will never forget the day she teleported me into a small shop where she was looking for a dress, and asked me for my favourite. I named three outfits, and she admitted that actually those were the three she had in mind too. During this time, friendship became deep friendship, and deep friendship became - to our mutual surprise - love.

I had a hard time admitting these emotions to myself. Too deep where the wounds from earlier experiences. Her sexual orientation did not bother me that much, since I feel at home amongst lesbians anyways. For a while, I thought I offer her to become my sister, and in fact it might have simplified a few things. But there was more, there were feelings one should not have for a sister. So one evening I admitted my feelings to her, shyly, cautiously, afraid she might turn her back on me. And when she replied, with a soft smile, that actually she feels the same, my RL eyes filled with tears.

I am sorry to say that there has been fallout from our love. The majority of my close friends were very happy for me, but two close friends where hurt and felt betrayed. One of them had romantic feelings for me, of which I was not aware. A series of misunderstandings, plus an unexcusable insensitivity of mine, made her suffer very much. I am sad about this, especially my faux pas, and I hope it will mend in time. The other one had no romantic feelings for me as far as I can tell, but was caught off guard and saw our friendship endangered. However both Gina and myself are free spirits, and being partnered to each other does not mean that we now exclusively spend every in-world minute together!

I feel at the end of a long journey, and at the same time at the beginning of an even more exciting journey. In restrospect, all these months in SL I was looking for Gina. She makes me complete, she balances me. It is great to finally belong to someone, and even greater to know that all those feelings are mutual. We are Ying and Yang. We are whole now.

The search is over. Now let the journey begin!

7 comments:

Gina Glimmer said...

I'm really sorry for those that were hurt because of my partnership with Peter.

Peter is a unique person and I haven't many anyone alike, hence I can understand the feelings of some of you.

I will truly do my utmost to be worthy in the role which I have now. For me it's an experience which is, as often said, 'not possible in rl'. Nevertheless, what cannot be denied is that we both found ourselves as true 'soulmates'. More than once we scared each other when we revealed thoughts and we appeared to be thinking exactly the same thing.

This friendship is just too special to let go!

London Spengler said...

This is strange... not because what happened (btw, my congratulations to both of you :-), but about friends not romantically involved having a problem with it.

Now, about the sex. "Lesbians don't have sex with guys" has the same weight that "straight woman don't have sex with other woman"... and you know it happens at SL, so don't be so definitive; SL style isn't about closing doors :-p.

But yes, people shouldn't be so surprised about a marriage without sex; there is much, much more than that. In a world that is an abstraction, love can, should, and I dare to say, must be freely expressed.

So, let me congratulate you again; there isn't a better feeling that loving and being loved. Enjoy your journey :-)

Unknown said...

Congratulations to you and Gina!

SL is teaching us to have the relationships that work for us, rather than the meager one-size-fits-all options that the atomic world allows.

You two are pioneers of the heart, and I wish you both all the best!

Anonymous said...

I'll just queue up and say exactly the same as all the others here: Congratulations to the both of you! You deserve each other :-)

Anonymous said...

Me too! Me too! Peter, Gina, I wish you all the best, and please resist the urge to fit your relationship into some sort of existing "box." And if you absolutely must define it, I've found that making up my own definition works just fine!

As I continue to go back and re-read your post, I see more and more of my relationship in it. In some ways, it's the exact same phenomenon - I'm straight IRL and with a woman ISL, and Gina is the mirror image. I think perhaps we're starting to learn that our society pairs "romance" closely with "sex", but there's no reason that's necessarily so.

Again, congratulations!

Peter Stindberg said...

Kit, what an honor that you care to comment here. Someone - I forgot who it was - pointed me towards the very article you are linking to many weeks ago. I read it many times so far, and yet I did not comment on it because I never had the time to do so in depth. That article explained a lot of things to me, and helped me accept myself better. There is still a post pending on "Gender Discrimination" from the male perspective (in short, being the male I am I feel discriminated in SL), and a lot of your thougths will be reflected in it. I should find some time for both actually, but - heh - Mrs. Stindberg is keeping me quite busy.

Shauna said...

I am a lesbian in RL and SL also with a straight guy, (wow that sounds so strange) would love to chat with you both sometime in SL or rl. By the way Gina, love your avatar, simply beautiful.
Shauna Coeyman SL