Musings on my 3rd rezday

I don't know what exactly made me sign up on that 9th of October back in 2006. I knew of Second Life before, in fact followed coverage of it loosely on BoingBoing.net - I even downloaded the client a few times but never took the final step to register. Back then a credit card was mandatory even for free accounts, and while I had a CC (not typical in my spot of the world) I was reluctant to use it.

But on that day, I made all these steps, registered my account, gave my credit card details, chose my name and logged in, stumbled my way over orientation island, talked to the parrot, made my first clumsy moves with camera control to see the back of that test-panel, lifted a stone and practised my object moving skill and finally climbed to the temple, leaped into the air, and flew into my new life.

My first months in SL were not the best. In retrospect I consider them lost time. I met the wrong people, hung out in the wrong places, and spent an incredibly silly amount of time with camping. When I look at "people my age" (read: signed up in fall 2006) many have more or less directly shaped this world for themselves. I was on the brink of leaving when I found my first real friends, people who made me stay, who are intelligent, creative and who give soul to this place. I am blessed with the ongoing friendship of some of them. Cake Kidd, Caterin Semyorka (though she is barely on anymore), lorinz Gloucester.

My Second Life got some structure when I founded Babel Translations in summer 2007. Babel posed a great and exciting challenge, Babel provided wonderful successes, Babel provided financial independence. And in the process of building Babel, new friends came. Tina Lynch and Gina Glimmer, who became a friend, a soul mate, finally in January 2008 my partner - and a while later my lover.

Real drama and artificial drama found me in 2008. My beloved Gina was forced to leave SL. A friend turned enemy over false claims - I got blackmailed and threatened in the process. But also good things happened. I found one of my closest friends and now my SL-sister Trinity Dechou, who helped me through the loss of Gina, and with who I forged a strong band of friendship. I found a new love, and while it ultimately did not last, I enjoyed the time with her very much. I renewed the friendship with London Spengler. I met one of the most amazing talents in SL - Ivanova Shostakovich - and founded GREENE concept with her. I came across Rika Watanabe's blog and when I met her in-world for the first time it "clicked" and we formed a strong friendship as well and find exceptional fun in working on projects with each other. And two other close friendships formed in 2008 - with the wonderful Quaintly Tuqiri and with the equally wonderful Zippora Zabelin.

This year - 2009 - started with a bang. Having been partnered for only a few weeks after having been together for almost 9 months, my partner broke up with me. While I was confused and also hurt at that time, it was the beginning of a new chapter in my SL. Being dragged to an event by my friend Nadine Nozaki to "get some brooding thoughts out of my mind" I discovered the Blacklist, a club which showed me the whole beauty of Second Life and the liberties to be whoever we want to be there. The Blacklist has become my favourite hangout where I can be found typically several times a week. I made friends there too, especially Lectra Forte, but also Hyang Zhao, Shye Kidd, Jo Soosung, Yoshimi Yoshikawa and many others.

In many aspects 2009 was the best year so far. I found love from unexpected and unusual sides, finally admitting the mutual feelings with London, but also - carefully and constantly surprised - finding out that I can love more than one person at once. While being with London - and actually encouraged by her - I finally allowed romantic feelings for another person who I unfortunately still can not name publicly. And finally there is Nissa Nightfire. I met Nissa the year before doing PR for my former partner when I contacted her as fashion blogger. We had occasional contact, but in 2009 the contact intensified, and we became friends. And the contact intensified more, and over the course of months, of slowly getting to know each other, we became lovers - something neither of us expected, but something that is thrilling each day anew.

By the time of posting this, there will be a party at the Blacklist to honor me. Nissa secretly planned the party, and from what I have seen during this day, she must have worked her lovely butt off with everything she arranged. As a thank you for organizing that, I spent quite some time and thought on an outfit I hope no one ever expected from me - King Peter I. of Beachwood.

I am blessed to have great friends! Blessed to have their affection, blessed to have their respect. Blessed that they opened their hearts and souls to me. Blessed to have two wonderful lovers. Blessed to have a great sister. There are so many of you not explicitely mentioned, but all of you make my life special, make my SL rich.

Thank you, thank you everybody I met over the past three years who I can call friend.

Thank you!

Love Thursdays: London Spengler

I wish I could remember how I came across London Spengler for the first time. Whatever or whoever it was, it was a blessed happening. I was a fanboi and became an acquaintance, an acquaintance who became a friend, a friend who became a lover. Here's my story.

I basically wasted my first months in Second Life on camping, meeting the wrong people and in turn getting exploited by them. Things changed for the better when I found Cheyenne Palisades and her blog (another event I do not know how it happened), and somehow, probably through a link or a comment, I found London's blog Pandora's Box. This must have been some time in early/mid 2007 - I was rather shy back then (don't laugh) and silently read blogs and did not comment. Pandora's Box is an interesting mixture of things: shameless self promo, personal takes on happenings in SL and - love and sex. So there was a woman who could program (back then this seemed like an exception to me), who could express herself, and who openly wrote about love and sex? Whoaw!

It took me ages before I sent her the first IM. By then I have commented a lot on her blog. The sim she shared with her partner - Pandora's Peace - was one of the favourite places for me to hang out. Partly because I loved it's beauty, partly because I hoped to run into her. I considered many times to buy her signature product, the "Pandora HUD", but I was pretty much living on a budget and it was out of my reach.

Out of my reach... that was like a motto for my relationship to London for many, many months. Not only did I assume she was out of my reach intellectually and with her skills (something she always denied but her skills still put me in awe), also the romantic interest which soon developed put her out of my reach. She was rather open on her blog about being straight in the atomic world and somehow being more surrounded by woman as romantic partners in SL, but more important - she had a partner. Even though I somehow gathered she had more than one lover - the term polyamory confused me - I still considered her way out of my league.

The IM's we exchanged became more frequent, but still I was shy until finally on December 1st, 2007 she sent me a friendship offer which I gladly accepted. London was not a close friend. But a reliable one. I loved her dry humour, her cheekiness, but also her brutal honesty. More than once she set my head straight over things. Always with understanding for my view, but also always putting her finger exactly where it hurts - and pushed. We also talked on occasion about technical things - something I very much enjoyed. London was there when I was troubled, but London was there for silly jokes too. It's not that we talked every week, but whenever we did, I enjoyed it a lot.

Then, some time in early fall 2008 (mhmm... interesting), she unfriended me out of the blue.

The unfriending happened with style. I got unfriended before - sometimes during fights, but mostly silent, finding it out weeks or months later - but she sent a note. Explained her crazy lifestyle, how it affects her RL, how it affects her love/hate relationship with SL, and that she needs to cut activities short, and that I should please not take it personally, but that she cuts her friendslist down to the handful of closest people. It felt like a slap in the face.

Being stunned, I wondered how to react. I knew, from a rational point of view, that we were not close friends. I knew that was partly for me being a busy bee and not putting enough effort into the friendship. I swayed between offence and ignorance, between not-caring and not-giving up. And I finally decided that I want to fight for her friendship. That London was a person I am not willing to let fade away, not willing to let drop back to acquaintance, not willing to let her become a stranger over time. And I fought for the friendship. And I probably was a pain in the ass. And I discussed a lot with her. And we exchanged notecards. And we discussed more. And grew closer. And refreshed friendship. And on December 1st 2008, we friended for the second time. And fighting for her friendship was one of the best things I ever did in SL!

One thing that prompted the initial unfriending was a conflict she had, extending intimate encounters to close friends. Except for my fanboi phase with London, I have always been in SL relationships. The revelation that London had romantic and even intimate feelings and desire for me hit me like a brickwall. Self esteem is not my biggest character trait, and thinking that I get desired and loved is a concept that is hard for me to accept. London's reasoning was that she can't be close friends with someone she can not extend physical affection to was both hard and easy for me to understand. I need cuddling and skin contact a lot, and I regret that Western Civilization usually rules this out. In SL cuddling comes more natural, but my monogamous nature was a hindrance for London.

What I did not know by that time was that my current SL relationship was dying. My partner was less and less in SL, and when she was, we talked mostly about her business. The relationship was ended by her in early January 2009, completely surprising to me and I fell into a deep hole. London and Nadine Nozaki where the ones who dragged me out of the hole, and London was the one who suggested I should rethink my lifestyle, rethink my approach to SL relationships. It was a long learning curve, and many nights were London and I discussed well beyond any sensible bedtime. London was a patient teacher, she explained, she gave her point of view, she showed examples. And we became lovers. Clumsy, anxious at first, so helpless, so shy. But I noticed the love has been there all the time, and now it finally could express itself. London also taught me about responsibility in those complex arrangements that involve more than one partner. And I learned a lot, and I think I even surprised her at times.

Among the most important things I learned from London was faith and not fearing. I am a worrier at heart, and our relationship had a lot of aspects that frightened me, and a lot of times where I screwed up. And she taught me to have faith, and not fear, and that the love is stronger than the screwups. Which did not mean she did not bite my head off as soon as I calmed down and told me what an idiot I was.

Faith is what I need now. It's fall again, one year after the unfriending spree of London, and while I did not get unfriended this time, London said she can't have me (and others) as lovers anymore. I hope what she taught me in 9 months will now help me to manage this new situation. I hope I have the faith to believe in our friendship, and to believe in the mutual love that is still there. I hope that I have the faith to realize "lover" is just a word, and that what I share with London is beyond words.

On this Love Thursday, my love goes to London Spengler, who owns a spot in my heart.

9 months

Nine months seems to be a fateful number for relationships in SL, at least for me. Last night a lover that grew very close to my heart told me she can't be my lover anymore - for reasons I could not argue with.

This is the third romantic relationship that ended after 9 months. And while I know she will stay around as a close friend, and that there is still mutual love, that lack of love was not the reason at all, it hurts nevertheless. She leaves a huge gap, and a numb spot in my heart.

9 months... 9 wonderful months... bot only 9 months. Again.

Stasis in relationships in virtual worlds and beyond

[[This is not a blog post to blame a certain person, even though I talk a lot about her in the following paragraphs! Her reasons for what she chose to do are more than valid, and I am blessed that despite those reasons, she still maintains contact with me and a few others. This is a blog post about what makes a second life, and a relationship in this world.]]

A few days ago a close friend told me of her challenges in her SL relationship. Due to timezone issues she barely meets in-world with her partner and when they meet they usually end up under their virtual blankets pretty fast. She did not complain about the cybersex - however she was lacking something. It turned out that they barely have time to create joint memories of doing things together except having sex: exploring, building, visiting events - even shopping together is scarce. The depth of her relationship was suffering.

Still thinking about this, yesterday evening I received an email from another of my friends. She is one of my closest friends and lovers in SL, and she announced that for the time being, she will not be in SL at all, unless for specifically set up dates. Her RL situation - already good by what she told me before - has taken a turn to become even better. I am genuinely happy for her, even envy her a bit for the good fortune. Being the person who she is, her feelings for her friends in SL are genuine, and she also takes on responsibility for the people she allowed close to her. She has always been struggling for the proper balance, and this struggle has entered a new stage. Being the person she is, she will manage to maintain a balance, and she will continue to be there for her friends and lovers in SL.

At first I felt warm and cozy after her email. I know I am deeply appreciated by her, I know she will manage to make room for me and others. And I know that I would probably not even notice any change. But a certain feeling of creepiness manifested itself. A certain feeling of a very awkward situation. Something was wrong, but I could not point a finger on it.

This morning on the bicycle ride to work I realized that in SL terms she put herself into stasis, she became a spirit that only comes when summoned, she stopped to live an active SL life and became basically a TV set which you switch on when you want to watch another episode of "Friends". We will continue to have joint memories - something my other friend craves so much. But she will stop to have separate memories. Finding a sim that inspires her and showing it to me later. Building something and asking me for help when it is half finished. Changing something on her parcel and presenting it with pride. She will come when summoned, but her Second Life stops until she gets summoned the next time.

When asked what a good relationship is about, people think a relationship is about doing things together. Loving and cherishing each other. Building a nest with each other. Acquiring physical items together, building up shared memories with each other. Trusting each other. Being weak while the other is strong. Being strong when the other needs support. All this is true of course.

But a relationship is also about who you are. This aspect gets sometimes forgot in RL where good looks are deceiving and sometimes hide a shallow package. The field is leveled in SL where everybody looks good, so it comes down even MORE to the individual personality. And the one thing that shapes your personality is what you experience. The things you do, the people you interact with. The places you visit. The mistakes you make. The successes you have.
This is why I have a hard time with new residents of SL - we are, literally, worlds apart. Worlds of experience, worlds of living in SL, and I find it more and more difficult to bridge the gap.

I am using online chat systems since 1989, and even though I got close to people that way before, only in SL I have the feeling that I formed lasting, true and deep friendships. The virtual environment is what makes the difference between talking together, and experiencing together. Joint and separate experiences is what forms a common ground, on which friendship and love can be built.

There is no danger for the relationship of me and my friend. We have richly acquired joint and separate memories. We connect beyond the reach of SL. It is not too far fetched to hope we will remain lifelong friends, even should SL vanish tomorrow. But this development showed me again how much I need the interaction with my friends inside the world of SL, and how important their individualism is for me.

Declaration of Independence

This blogpost has been waiting 4 months to be written. I never got around to writing it, and for the longest time had not even any idea how to write it. Today, finally, I had time and inspiration to make this important addition to my profile.

I partnered with Gina Glimmer in January 2007, and we had 3 wonderful months together, until her RL partner forced her to quit SL. She was eventually allowed back in, and even though we are still very close friends, we were never able to re-establish the partnership bond. I met Skinkie Winkler in summer 2008 and we had a great relationship. After Christmas she offered me official partnership. Three weeks later she dissolved our bond. I still don't understand why and have not had
a chance to speak with her since then.

My longtime friends London Spengler and Nadine Nozaki encouraged me to rethink my positions on friendship, affection, intimacy and love. The process took a while, and was a radical paradigm change for me. But I finally am able to declare my Independence. As of today, May 12 2009, this has been added to my profile:

Relationships - I had two wonderful relationships in SL, and both ended in pain. In January 2009 I therefore decided to not enter any exclusive partnership anymore. I love to flirt, and I love to flirt open ended. This does NOT mean I am reckless with other people's hearts, that I fool around or am an egomaniac. The people I allow close to me are close to my heart, and I protect and adore them. I have a lot of love to give, and the people I decide to share it with get a part of my heart and of my soul.

This is me. Take it or leave it!

Vacation

After some months with my ex-partner, we realized that the daily routine was threatening to overwhelm our relationship (which was partially a business relationship as well). We had our little rituals, met every other day, but there was something missing. At this point the idea of a vacation was born. We had an event coming up, and after that event we wanted to take a week off, go explore, spend time with each other, set ourselves to "busy" and only enjoy SL together. It never happened though, we never made this vacation, and probably this was the turning point in our relationship.

Last night I made a mini vacation with a person close to my heart (who prefers to remain anonymous for the time being and is therefore blurred out in the photo). Following London Spenglers great advice on dating in SL we scheduled time together ahead. Yes, we do see each other almost daily, still we put a special time aside, planned it ahead, switched on busy mode and gifted each other with exclusive, non interrupted time.

We wanted to try sailing in SL, so I found us a boat that seemed not too simple and not too complex, and we had two leisurely hours cruising the New England sims, until we found a nice island for some cuddles. The most remarkable line of the evening was "It has been a long time since I had such an immersive experience" - what better compliment can there be?

Funny enough, we did not talk much. We talk more during our almost-daily encounters. We just enjoyed being together, being at peace, having a joint experience of pleasure and relaxation. Those three hours of exclusive recreation refueled my emotional batteries immensely.

Take a SL vacation! Break out of your routine! Set exclusive time aside, go into busy, use an alt if necessary! Spend quality time with your partner! It is worth it!