A few days ago, Eshi Otawara did a large event revealing her latest fashion line. I met Eshi once or twice, IMed with her a few times more. We are loosely connected through groups we are both members in and by joint friends - I was sympathetic to her cause and hardship she experienced since her husband passed away. I once outbid her at an auction. She once gave me a preview version of a shirt she designed, and I gifted her with some GREENE concept furniture. I quite like her as a genuine and creative person. In short, paying her the honors by visiting her show would be the natural thing to do, and in fact a few people asked whether I go - assuming I would.
I did not. I felt paying Eshi the honors would be overshadowed of this being a "who is who in SL" event. It got even explicitly mentioned to me that this would be a good opportunity to "be seen". I had a lot of things on my mind - my first life is challenging as ever, my second life a bit overshadowed too. And I just was not in the mood to attend a social event, to maintain relationships, to network. Instead I sat in my SL office and brooded, was in bad mood, felt compelled, even obliged to attend this event. Eventually, I got saved by a friend who needed a guinea pig to test a new product, and I had a fun hour with her, and later two fun hours with Trin and Aimee.
Fun. It's rare in SL these days. It feels as if my SLife is as full with obligations as my first life. Mostly business obligations, followed by social obligations. They consume my time, they consume my attention, they consume my mood. When was the last time I met someone new? When was the last time I went exploring? When was the last time I made a new friend? When was the last time I helped a newbie? When was the last time I got involved in a new project? When was the last time I went to a club, a concert?
The other day, out of a whim, I rezzed a rarely used business alt. I wanted to check a few things out, but wanted to avoid group IM's and a few notecards waiting for me. Suddenly I found myself in a rather busy place, with a group of new residents, and before long, I showed a few newbies the ropes and had some real fun and interesting talk with them. Of course they all offered friendship, and I felt bad for removing them secretly again as I wanted to keep the alt clean. The bottom line, however, is that I felt free and unburdened for the first time in weeks if not months. And for a split second, it seemed an appealing idea to have Peter Stindberg commit SLuicide, and to start over new, rediscover the magic new.
I wonder where and when my SLife has lost its innocence? And I wonder how I can get the fun and the magic back.
December 19, 2008
Peer group pressure, social obligations and the loss of innocence
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17 comments:
I hate those great events where people come to be seen. As expected, they're crowded, chat is going too fast on several different topics and it makes no sense to participate. Of course that the event is laggy as possible. Everybody are exercising their ARC's which makes us all gray. So much about the presented looks. And in all that "who came and who didn't" point of the event was lost.
And the same goes with our lives. In all the things that make our lives, we forget about ourselves and why we came here at the first place.
I have to say that I totally relate to your post. That was my main reason for starting doing my photography project. ;)
I don't attend events mostly because I forget and because I don't really care about been seen.
Next time, I am bored I will IM you.
*hugs*
This "friend" seems to be good at cheering up people lately, as she also made my day earlier this week at the end of a depressive evening ;-)
Concerning the rest of your post, I've already told you that I can relate to it - even without business obligations (pfew).
I'm in SL to relax and have fun and therefore won't attend any events because I feel people expect me to. It's my life and I live it as I like it. And sometimes that means changing plans in the last minute, depending on my mood or who comes online.
And to be honest - like Ana also said - I tend to forget about events, and don't even really care: I won't keep a calendar for SL.
Hmm.. this comment is much longer again then I intended :D *hugs*
Says I try to avoid anything stamped with obligation in both of my worlds, where possible (somethings you just can't avoid). I seldom feel obligated to attend an event or to be seen... though sometimes I'll attend something to support a friend.
I'm never impressed by celebrity but some people who get labelled as celebrity/SLebrity are genuinely nice people. I'm impressed by peoples conversation, thoughts/ideas and how they treat those around them. If I genuinely like them I couldn't care less what other people think or how people label any events they host.
I sometimes feel torn in SL and pressured for time but if I ask myself the questions you asked in your blog, I'd answer like this:
I When was the last time I met someone new?
Yesterday.
When was the last time I went exploring?
Three days ago.
When was the last time I made a new friend?
Maybe a month ago... (a freind being someone I consider a friend rather than an aquaintance).
When was the last time I helped a newbie?
Today. Before that three days ago. Often. Sometimes friends and aquaintances ask me to help newbies that they are not sure how to assist. And my sister and I make our land available to homeless and new residents to use as a home base. It's never crowded but I tend to meet a lot of people who are passing through, many who pop back from time to time... it means we often meet new people - and quite a few of them are newbs.
When was the last time I got involved in a new project?
Personal project... or community one? I feel involved with the community but I'm not part of any project teams per se.
When was the last time I went to a club, a concert?
About a month ago.
I think it was Radar's post in the mix and match that was about prioritising your time in SL so that it was more about fun than obligation - I liked it.
i think this entry is extremely important and timely. it is timely in that i, too, feel that sometimes it's too easy to get caught up in SL as an extension of the business aspects of RL, and we forget that there's a lot of wonder in SL.
the sense of wonderment is important because it reminds us that there is a better way, that things can be different.
thank you for this reminder.
Also, it's that time of the year again - I guess most people start feeling somewhat blue when Christmas approaches - I know I do. :p
And as nice as new friends might be, I'd think that old friends are a good thing to have, too, and know for a fact that you have quite a few of those in SL who will do their best to cheer you up when you're feeling down, or offer whatever other support you might need. ;)
I am naturaly shy about being with more than two/three avies, so events... anyway, nobody invites me, so I think it balances.
Same about newbies: I am allergic to them because they usually are absolutely nice people you cannot (and usually don't want to) get ride of them, and SL is too busy.
Heloise is so right about Crhrismas blues; there is nothing like a time where you are suposed to meet some people you don't want to, expected to exchange small obligations (aka, complimentary gifts), obliged to get busy as a bee making a "family" dinner, and they think you should be happy about it!
Anyway, I hope you don't feel so bad about it soon. Retire a bit of SL busiest side, and enjoy the coffee. If you can't, there are always desperate measures: joining a monastic order, or becoming slightly crazy and kicking away most of your friend list, while annoying the survivors with notecards about how to treat you (that is a winning formulae!).
Good luck with it, Peter, and, even after all what just I said, I hope you merry, merry Christmas. Because sometimes is possible to enjoy the white under the blue.
One more thing... in the case you didn't want slightly-hopeful-advice...
"What a bitch she is, wanna hug"
*smiles and hugs you*
Peter this is a very honest post and I wanted to thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am in SL for relaxation and creating a business clearly adds obligations that would reduce my time for fun. So, no thanks.
Going to an event to "be seen" is so shallow that its laughable. A friend of mine says "if its not fun, run" and that is how I try to live in SL.
I think some people tend to lose sight of why they joined SL. Sure some joined for the business aspects but most of us joined for fun first.
Come down to the Crown and Pearl Peter. I can't promise that the conversation will make any sense or that it won't have fallen into the gutter but you will laugh. :)
You'll meet some new people and hopefully make a few friends.
Thanks Bailey, that is in fact something I plan for a while now, but never got around to do so.
Chestnut, I did not join SL to become a businessperson, or an A-list blogger, or a SLebrity. And even though Rheta keeps suggestion that at least the SLebrity part is well on its way, it is still not my intention and will never be. The business aspect however was a necessity, as I can literally not afford to put RL money into SL.
'Be seen'...
I am normally very hard to see regardless of where I am. Practice shows that nothing most people remember about me is associated with my name or image, it becomes part of general knowledge attributed to some unknown ancient authority, like an encyclopaedia that has no author.
As such, 'being seen' in that sense is really not worth the effort.
Past that... You value too many other people over yourself. It's okay to be to a certain degree selfish. It's okay to tell everybody to come back after Christmas and have a holiday. It's not your Second Life that is a problem for you - I can safely bet it's your general approach to people, in any life.
So starting yet another one won't help for long. :)
I have never thought of these events as something to *be seen* at. But then I can be rather naive, as I usually sit open mouthed and elbow my partner in the ribs and say "Look that's so fantastic, think that would look good on me?"
I did attend because:
1. I like Eshi and her designs.
2. I wanted to show my support for my friend.
3. I wanted to heckle the models (namely Codie and Gabby)
4. I wanted to meet as many plurkers, that I have not yet met inworld yet, and thought this would be a great way to do it.
I had a great time, finally met Trini in-world (and sadly yes she was grey when she finally rezzed for me). Made two new friends. Heckled the hell outa Codie and Gabby and stared open mouthed at the fabulous designs by Eshi.
The down side was I ended up may Lindens lighter in pocket cause of this event.
The up side, Met Trini, and Aimee, made two new friends,and now own two fabulous Eshi designs.
Thank you for sharing Peter. RL can be very difficult, and I can relate to that. I have started over in in RL and SL. I quit my SL job (it was consuming my time) and I made huge cuts to my "friends" list, leaving only people I truly want to spend time with. It has made a huge difference in my SLife, such as it is. I now explore again and spend time the way I would like when I am there.
Peter, I wanted to go to the event, but couldn't. My RL issues make my SL time almost totally unschedulable, which is a cause of real pain for me. On top of missing Eshi's event, I missed the wedding of a dear friend where I was supposed to give away the bride! But as painful is this SL/RL conflict is, it might be why I am not feeling the ennui that his mired you at present.
Perhaps you need a few days off, just to clear your head. Holidays are special because they are rare...and maybe your SL experience needs the spice born of a bit of distance. If you spend a week solely in RL, maybe you'll remember why you care so much about your virtual life, and return with gusto:)
I read this post several times before commenting because I wasn't sure exactly what I want to say.
I'm not in the 'be seen' crowd and other than my own parties I don't really attend events so that part didn't really pertain to me yet I've had the same thoughts feelings about SL lately.
As I mentionned to you recently, I find being Cen oppressive lately, to the point that I don't or won't log in.
This break I'm taking is helping, but I confess the thought of a "do-over" is very tempting. To be anonymous, invisible, the excitement of starting all over with no money, no home, no one on your friends list sounds really appealing some days.
I have found it very easy to start feeling overwhelmed in a large group event. The chat flies past me while I often just want to cam around to see everyone and I can't keep up with it. I go places to see, not to be seen.
I sometimes forget that you did not come to SL to start a business. Babel has been very beneficial for you, even if it sort of started by accident. I know how your rl can get so stressful. Your sl should continue to be your relief, your escape. My wish for you? Please do whatever you need to do to regain the fun you once had.
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