"When I asked you to listen to me and you start giving me advice, you have not done what I asked"
This advice neglects a very fundemental thing, that women time and again point out: Men and women are different! And that, in fact, as miserable as it often makes situations, is good. Men and woman can't be too similar, or our society and even our species would be in big trouble (it's a different matter if that is good or bad).
The wiring of the brain of men and women is different, and it is one trait of men that they seek for solutions. A man can't stop his cogwheels spinning - when confronted with a situation, with a problem, he WILL start to look at new angles and he WILL start to look - and often find - solutions.
Those of us who are able to suppress this - and I personally fail more often in that than I succeed - have learned so by tough training and survived fights with ther partners. And even though we "only" listen, our cogwheels spin nevertheless. We just learned by experience to better shut up.
It is not a sign of love if we "only" listen. It is training. It is not a sign of carelessness when we suggest answers and solutions. We would not suggest answers and solutions if we would not care about you. It is our way to show love and appreciation to you, to take your issues seriously, and to try and come up with solutions to ease your issues.
8 comments:
I didn't see this as being a male or female thing, actually, it hit home for me as I was sharing something about how I felt about the current state of my real life with my sister (it's a tad out of control at the moment - economy/work/health - blah) and she told me it'd all work out and it'd be ok and offered solutions. She was coming from a caring place but I did say to her that I felt that by doing so she was invalidating my concerns/feelings - which may be a little exaggerated due to stress, certainly have some real validity. For me, I just wanted to share how I was feeling, I didn't want to pretend my world was ok when it wasn't.
(For the record, we speak daily on anything and everything - this conversation didn't result in any drama - it was no big deal, just one passing conversation out of many).
I always feel hopeless when my friends are going through hard times if there is nothing I can do. When you care about people, I think it's instinctive to want to make their world better - knowing you can't makes you feel helpless.
I loved the sentiment because sometimes we want help, sometimes we want advice... but sometimes we just need to say some things out loud to another person to help work things out in own head.
Sometimes it's healthy to just to be able to be heard... and... that's all.
I do agree that there are differences in the way which men and women think or perhaps even in the way they are 'are wired'.
I think that women aren't necessarily less solution driven though. I find at times that women are more practical than men than men expect them to be. Men tend to be very result driven which is not always the solution they wanted to achieve.
And sometimes one only needs to be listened to, being heard without need for action, solutions etc.
I do agree to a certain extent... but I also find myself disagreeing to a certain extent as well.
I agree with Gina, women are usually more practical and we find as many angles and answers as our male counterparts, I think the difference isn’t what we do… it’s what we do with the information we have.
I think men are driven to the goal… to find the solution and get your partner there as soon as possible to help avoid more turmoil. Women I think on the other hand tend to listen, think, listen some more and take their time over the most efficient answer whilst listening all along.
We are wired differently and generally whilst there is some crossover, the male and female of the species react to things differently. Neither way is right or wrong, but depending on what you NEED at a time a solution isn’t always helpful.
in my experience, the majority of men have to "solve" the problem, and this is not necessarily a bad thing, if you look at it from their perspective and training. When I want mine to listen, and he starts to solve.. I hiss "listen"...and he understands.
Hi neighbor!....Good points Peter. There is no right or wrong answer. Sometimes we just need to "vent" without having things thrown back at us. It happens to me all too often. Sometimes I just need to get things off of my chest, to release some pent up frustration. I think each situation is different in that sometimes I guess we need to distinguish when to just listen and when to offer advice. I've always been more of the "listener" type rather than trying to offer deep advice to someone. Sure, I'll offer advice here and there, but only when I think it's going to be beneficial. More often than not, I just offer an ear to listen. I guess that's why the quote kind of hit home with me.
I agree with most of the above; there may be some educational or even wiring differences, but you find people in all the ranges of the spectre.
For example, I have that annoying tendence to give unwanted advice, and not long ago a friend of mine said he would had liked more "What a bitch your wife is-want a hug?" instead.
Thank you Peter. I agree that men and women can be very different, and in some ways, similar. I do appreciate when a man or woman tries to help me come up with a solution, and I agree that if you just want someone to listen, you need to tell them. Often, I just want to make sure I've been heard. And then again, sometimes I need a suggestion for a problem! Ok, I'm babbling. :P
This is half-asleep me commenting, lol. zzzz
The thing that is an issue here is a matter of expectations. The woman expects the man to listen to her with empathy, to be understanding and offer comfort rather than to offer suggestions & advice. The thing with a woman is that she wants to feel that the man is focused on her, not on the problem. Maybe to a man it is the same thing because if he gets rid of the problem, he is helping her. But we women are strange creatures :P
Still, the woman must learn to articulate these things like what Elusyve said. If her expectations remain unspoken, there's no way the poor guy is going to know that she wants him to respond in a different manner.
I don't think it's a matter of a woman being opposed to suggested solutions, it's more like she wants to get things off her chest first. When a woman is upset or worried, she has many things in her mind and she needs to get them all out. Sometimes just by telling another person and putting things into words, it helps her to realise how ridiculous her fears are and rob them of their power. I don't think any woman would reject help and advice, just that it has to come at the appropriate time. Let her talk first, offer advice later ;)
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