Of voids

Do I still have readers after more than 2 months of silence? Two months of silence. Almost 10 weeks of not blogging. That seemed unthinkable a while ago. But I was not only lazy with blogging; I was barely online in SL as well. Having been reliably online daily for the better part of 3 years, nowadays I can only been found in-world once or twice a week. So what happened?

What happened is that I have a new RL job.

"Oh!", you may think now, "This new job keeps you busy and you have to impress your new boss with loads of overtime and 140% commitment!"

No, that is not it. Of course the job keeps me busy, but it does not come with an extra investment in time. What happened however is that this job fills a void that previously got filled by SL.

Regular readers of my ramblings might remember that I often mentioned a certain hardship in my RL. A close family member suffers from a medical condition - which overshadows my life. In addition to that, my (old) RL job has turned into a nightmare during the past three years. I was trapped between a rock and a hard place, and before I found SL I was pretty much depressive. I was on a bad path, and I lacked many, many things in my RL. Respect. Appreciation. Peace. Success. Financial freedom. Companionship. Trust. Tenderness. Love.

I got all this from SL. And plenty of it.

You might think this is pathetic. I tend to think it saved my life one way or the other. For a few hours each day I found what I was craving for. I found peace. I found respect. I enjoyed success and financial freedom. At the same time that my abusive RL boss tried psychological warfare on me and told me how much I suck at what I do - I established and built the leading text service provider in SL. While I got told that the work I did the last 10 years was a piece of shit, that I suck at marketing, that I suck at selling, that I suck at networking - nonetheless I became a boss in SL myself, a business partner of some of the biggest names in SL, got a certain public exposure, got nominated as social butterfly, got nominated twice as Entrepreneur of the Year, became a SL Solution Provider.

Cynics might suggest that I had better invested this energy on my RL job. And maybe they are right. But talk is cheap, and I had the impression I was fighting a losing battle anyways - which got confirmed by friends and family. People, who had no reason to lie to me.

After a specifically abusive incident in late summer 2009 I finally had enough and started looking for a new job. My family situation made me reluctant to give up the security of my old job (as bad as it might have been - it seemed secure). Getting my CV in order and browsing job listings gave me new energy. I became bolder in job applications; I became less intimidated in my old job. And finally I found a new job.

And then something unexpected happened. The significance SL had for my life dropped overnight.

I started my new job - and did not log into SL for almost a week. I was so energized for my new job, and I was so stunned (in a positive way) of the new tasks, the new projects, and the new challenges.... I sat on my couch in the evening, totally exhausted (in a good way), and read, watched TV or played Open Transport Tycoon Deluxe - a vintage computer game.

To be honest, I feared I was addicted to SL. It was both a relieving as well as a strange realization that I am not addicted at all!

Recent research suggests that there is no such thing as addiction. That it is only stimulation and fulfillment of needs, and as soon as the needs get fulfilled in another way, the addiction vanishes. I am a prime example for this. I had the need for a respectful, appreciative environment. I did not get it in my RL, but found it in SL. So I became addicted to SL. Now I work for a company that WANTS me, that CHOSE me out of countless applicants, that NEEDS my skills, that WANTS my creativity, that gives me freedom, recognition and trust - and by this fills the void that SL used to fill.

No, don't worry, this is not another of those "I am leaving SL" posts.

I have no intention to leave SL. I like SL. It is still an environment in which I want to relax (and yes, running two businesses IS relaxing for me) , in which I have friends. However I need to reassess my time - and plan it better. Right now I am thinking of setting aside one evening for my SL-businesses, and another evening for fun, meeting friends, exploring. There are lots of things to do: I want to relocate Babel and create a small creative plaza with my friends Nissa and Ivanova. I want to pick up photography again, and - having worked with digital video some years ago - finally try machinima in SL. I neglected my social life, and I want to WIN Entrepreneur of the Year this time.

It is actually a nice feeling. Now that the subtle pressure of filling a void is gone, I can look at SL from a new angle. SL gave me a lot over the past 3 years, now it is a new chapter in my relationship with SL, and I look forward what it can give me at this stage.

Transgender Day of Rememberance

The word Transgender defines a mixed bag, but is mostly used to describe those fellow humans among us, that see and experience themselves as one gender, but unfortunately their biological body does not match this gender. The available options to those people range from ignoring it and arranging themselves with a life in the wrong body to undergoing medical treatment and ultimately having sex reassignment surgery.

The important thing is that today, in 2009, they actually have a choice! We have not only made radical advances in the medical area, also society has become much more understanding and liberal, accepting not only the reality of those people, but also granting them the choice to live the life they want to live.

Some people however did not get a choice. Some people were killed, murdered, beaten to death, tortured, shot - because they were different! Because their murderers could not cope with that, because their killers could not accept the fact that people sometimes end up in the wrong body. So they took the right of choice from their victims, and chose death for them.

And there are others that could not live with the conflict anymore. Who felt obliged - for whatever reason - to keep up the appearance for their parents, their siblings, maybe their wives or husbands. Because they feared social repercussions, loss of job, loss of status. Because they did not know there are other ways. Because they could not afford them. Because they felt ashamed to ask for help. And saw no other way than to kill themselves.

Today, on the 20th of November, we think of those poor souls who got killed or took their own lives, simply because they were different. Today is Transgender Day of Rememberance.

Goodbye Billy Jean

What a sucky day that was yesterday. Apart from annoying news at my RL job that sort of overshadowed my whole day, the news yesterday evening was that Farrah Fawcett finally lost her battle against cancer, and a person I never managed to get to know well enough (Sophrosyne Steenvag) left SL. And when I woke up this morning, I heard Michael Jackson has died as well.

Emerald Wynn shares her teenage memories of Michael Jackson in a - for me - very moving blogpost. From past posts I know that Em and I are about the same age. And while she grew up in the US and I grew up in Europe, our teenage days were to a certain extent similar.

I was an introvert young boy, castaway on the countryside while all my schoolmates lived in the city. Artists like Mike Oldfield, Jean-Michel Jarre, Vangelis and Tangerine Dream opened my ears, my soul and my heart for the beauty of contemporary music. And then came Michael Jackson. I remember listening to my favourite radio station when I heard "Billy Jean" for the first time. My radio had a tape recorder included, and usually it always held a fresh cassette for impromptu recordings. "Billy Jean" played, and after the first seconds of mesmerized shock, I feverishly pushed the "record" button only to find that no tape was inserted. Like crazy I digged through my tapes and finally jammed one in and pushed record, only to get the last 30 or 45 seconds of the song, which I then played over and over again. A week later, I took all my allowance to the record shop and bought the vinyl - it must have been my first, I did not even have a record player.

Years later I learned about the "Jackson 5", saw video recordings of their performances, saw a cute Michael Jackson, black, with curly hair. Even more years later I heard about the over ambitious father, about the beatings, about the cruel regime Michael Jackson had to endure. From an artistic point of view, we got estranged. My tastes broadened and refined in certain areas, Jacksons music became too bland for me often. "History" or "Him" were albums that gave me nothing - "Thriller" is in fact the only record I ever bought of him.

Jackson is a prime example that money alone does not make happy. I am not a psychoanalyst, but it seems obvious that Michal Jackson tried to compensate for a lost childhood at all cost, and that he also wanted to prove himself to his father. I think Michael Jackson was a very sad, a very unhappy, and in many aspects a very poor person. He chased a dream but never got it right. Did he molest children? Maybe, maybe not. When huge sums of money are involved, the truth is hard to find, and many own agendas are in play. From a strictly legal point of view he probably has. From a factual point of view he probably has not. From a psychiatric point of view I tend to think he was a child himself. A tragic Peter Pan.

I hope he finds peace now.

My friend Kitty O'Toole has shared her impressions as well on her RL blog.

The Future of Virtual Worlds

When I grew up "The Russian" waited heavily armed at our borders, prepared to kill us all. And now the better part of my life happens in cyberspace, and one of my best friends is from Russia. And if there is ONE thing that will prevent wars, it is actually the global, social interaction on the internet.

Heimweh

Can you long for a place you have never been in your life? Can you experience a feeling of home, of belonging, of pieces falling into place for a landscape you have never travelled? Can you have your heart beat faster, your soul light up for a place you have not been born at?

I am tired. I am confused. I am full of fear. I want the hamster wheel to stop, so I can get off. Find some peace. Have someone hold me in their arms, rock me and whisper "It's all going to be alright...". I want to go home.

The place in the picture looks like home. The place in the picture FEELS like home. I am standing there, and my heart aches, my eyes water as I write this, and at the same time a calmness comes over me.

I want peace. I want to go home. Can I go home now, please?

50 reasons why you should quit your real life and stick to Second Life

Here's me and my big mouth. Last week Prad Prathivi shared some thoughts of why bloggers blog and how they shape the perception of SL, as well as about his own motivation:

"When I start talking about the joys of Mono over LSL, I’ve run out of things to say and you can declare this blog dead."

In the comments I mentioned that I disagree with this statement, and that I look forward to an article on his view of LSL vs. Mono. And I was careless enough to challenge him:

"What about a challenge, our own personal Mix’n'Match? You write an article about Mono vs. LSL, and you assign me a topic too."

Well, here I am, with a topic assigned by Mr. Prathivi himself. Being an immersionist myself, and using Second Life as escapeism to get an hour of peace a day from a stressful and challenging RL situation, that should not be too hard actually....

"The problem is all inside your head" she said to me
The answer is easy if you take it logically
I'd like to help you in your struggle to be free
There must be fifty ways to ...."

1. You can live your goddamn dream and be whatever you want to be, any shape, size, color, gender, race, species, any occupation, morale, ethics
2. You are as young, old, athletic, fat, tall, short, etc. as you like
3. All clothes fit, there are no annoying and over eager store clerks trying to talk you into ill fitting overprices items that need to be cleared
4. You can cam around, and don't need mirrors to see the back of your head
5. You don't need to eat, drink or dispose of your bodily wastes (unless you want to do all of this)
6. That was 10% already - that's not too bad
7. Number 6 was cheating, so I should come up with 52 :-(
8. SL money gets you farther than RL money (at least in my case)
9. You can die and ressurrect (and even reincarnate) at will
10. No communicable diseases (unless you count treasure-hunt-fever), in fact no diseases at all (unless you count inventory loss)
    
11. You can fly
    
12. You can be an architect, clothing designer, photographer, engineer, photomodel or any other high profile occupation and gather worldwide audience - while theoretically this is possible in RL as well, it usually is hard for people at the age of typical SL residents
13. You don't have to pay taxes (tier is in fact more a rent)
14. Your government has no stoopid ideas of invading other countries for dubious reasons, or helping other countries to do the same, or generally stoopid ideas regarding other governments/countries/religious or social beliefs/etc.
15. Your government has no smart ideas either, now that I think about it
16. We have a government? I thought it was a dictatorship, or maybe a monarchy...
17. Your penis is detachable, and you can exchange it for the latest model easily. In case you are of the female persuasion, replace "penis" with skin/hair/pubic hair/pussy/nipples/tail/ears/whiskers/wings ... or keep the penis
18. Getting tattooed out of a whim did not necessarily involve having been to a shady bar near the harbor, is less painful (except for your wallet) and can be reverted easily
19. You can walk through walls: on purpose using a non-phys vehicle, or for the fun challenge called "sim crossing"
20. You can ski, snowboard, paraglide, parachute, scuba dive, etc. without risking your physical health, spending a fortune or train for many years sacrificing your youth to over ambitious parents
21. You can do business with half naked demonesses, catpeople, aliens, robots, faeries, etc. and nobody is surprised or questions your mental health
22. Photographing is cheaper than in RL (yes, do the math)
23. This one is courtesy of Rika Watanabe: Making SL shopping eat you out of house and home takes some real determination.
24. Nobody worth mentioning cares if you are gay, lesbian, polyamorous, into BDSM or all of it together - in fact being plain vanilla seems rather the exception
25. You can have friendships and partnerships (business and intimate) with people from all over the world. While this is technicaly possible in RL as well, it is much harder to pull off.
26. Sunshine and beaches 365 days a year, even without living in the Carribean (not coutning the Christmas craze) - in fact do your own wheather
27. Teleporting - how could I forget that
28. You can have cheap entertainment by going to places with advanced newbies and switching transparencies on to see what attachments they "proudly" wear
29. You can do swordfights, firefights and all other type of combat with your best friend without having to answer embarrasing questions to their weeping SO afterwards
30. Shameless publicity plug while I think of better answers: jewellery is much more affordable
31. Having breasts bigger than your head, or having shoulders broader than a quarterback's in full armor, supported by a waist thin as your wrist doesn't hurt anywhere as much as it should.
32. For men: your erection stands tall as long as you wish, and you can climax as many times in a row as you want
33. For women: you can have sex while being on the phone with one of the girls.... erm...
34. Most shops give you a free sample of their merchandise, to keep and use as long as you wish
35. Banks and stock exchanges are greedy, dubious at best, and game with your money - while this stands true in RL as well, there is no need to keep up the facade in SL
36. Marriage and divorce are significantly cheaper, and do not involve a bureaucratic nightmare
37. Also no bureaucratic nightmares for building your house, boat, plane, prison, temple, weaponry, shop or any other abonimation you might come up with
38. Mute/Eject/Ban gets you effective peace from stalkers and other annoying creatures without the need to hire hitmen or lawyers
39. Vampires ask politely and "no" is an answer
    
40. You can talk to n people simultaneously with each of them assuming they have your full attention (where n determines on your stack depth and multitaksing capacities - n=2 for me, your milage may vary)
41. Nobody can force you to do anything! (Except land owners can force you to leave, and Lindens can force you to probably everything)
42. You can have your breakfast in a space station, your lunch in Barcelona, and your dinner in Middle Earth without wondering all the time how to get out of the straight jacket.
43. You can sit on a crocodile, ride a bird, stand in a lava stream and shop in the clouds
44. You can BUILD a crocodile, a bird, a lava stream or open a shop in the clouds
45. You can have a lot of fun having little or no money - if you are smart and ressourceful nobody will even notice
46. There are no insurance agents and used car salespeople
47. There are no elections that really change things - just fashion/design/business related elections. However one can doubt if elections in RL really change things either...
48. Courtesy of Trinity Dechou: you don't need to move when getting a coffee
49. Courtesy of Rika again: This is a world that can be saved, which, for the other one, is not certain.
50. You can directly speak to SLebrities - they still can chose to ignore you, but there are no layers of agents/secretaries/managers/etc. between you and them
51. You can BECOME a SLebrity, and all it takes is skills and communication talent (skip the skills for some SLebrities)
52. Don't dream it - be it!

On a personal note: My first life is subject to many challenges, including a special condition of a person close to me, which makes the daily life very hard. My second life gives me a lot of things that my first life does not provide, among others respect, appreciation and wealth. Leading my second life is an act of escapeism for me. An hour or two of peace a day, an hour or two of life how I wish it to be . Naturally more than once I have thought how it would be to fully live in SL. There were moments where I would have happily sacrificed my atomic existence had a scientist offered me to transfer my mind into SL. But in fact my second life helps me with coping with my first life better. It helps me with my self esteem issues, it helps me with my shyness, it helps me with discovering my strenghts. I consider myself an immersionist, but the effect Second Life has on me is an augmentistic one. Leading a second life has a therapeutic and positive effect on my first life. Use Second Life as a tool. Live your goddamn dream!