April 23, 2009

Losing grip

My Second Life falls apart around me. People I feel very close to drop away, take announced or unannounced breaks, log in less and less, ponder the sense of it all, seem tired, worn out, desillusioned. Consider coming at all anymore, or play with the thought of starting over. And leave me scared. Scared to be alone. Scared to be left behind. Scared.... to be not loved. Not worthy. Not important to them.

I feel like drowning, like treading water, like reaching out for a straw of normality. I reach out for an illusion of normality, pretending to myself it'll all work out, dreaming and hoping and wishing that it will all be the same again. But I feel the world dissolve around me. I am scared. So scared.

Sometimes I wish I was a loner. Not needing other people. Doing my thing. Sometimes I wish I was a cynic, my heart shielded by bitterness, my soul hardened by mistrust. Sometimes I wish I could keep a distance.

But I can't. I am who I am. I need people. I need closeness. I need love.

Don't forget about me. Don't leave me here alone. Please. Don't. Please.
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